Loneliness

“Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.” - Henry Rollins

While drinking my succulent peach juice and taking in the warm sun in San Giovanni Saturday afternoon, my friend asked me a strange question. One that I hadn’t pondered as of yet.

With his rolled cigarettes, messy brown hair and casual demeanor, he reminded me of a younger version of Johnny Depp, or at least what I had seen in interviews and photographs.

But, I took his words and questions to heart. This wasn’t a screenplay.

He asked me if I felt... alone.

What a beautiful, yet complicated word. Alone. There are so many meanings to this word that I stumbled upon my thoughts while contemplating what to say to him in reply.

My immediate response was a definite no; how could I possibly feel alone? I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for, a family that loves me unconditionally, a job that allows me to be free, yet grow and learn at the same time. And, I’m living in place that brings me unwavering joy every day.

But as I tried to make sense of this question, my thoughts began running circles around my head.

Should I feel alone? What does he mean by this? Alone because I live in a strange place? Alone because I’m single? 

The past few days have given me time to contemplate this question.

“Do I feel alone?”

And I realize that I do feel alone. But, strangely enough, I like this feeling of being alone. It’s a strange sensation.

My friends are thousands of miles away, apart from the friends I have in Italy. My family is also thousands of miles away; and my home, the place I know the best, resides in a completely different time zone.

But, for me, this bring me excitement. I’m alone, without the support system I’m used to; the comfort I know. I live in a strange place, hardly knowing anyone, and hardly understanding a word they say. 

But, how cool is that? This is my time to either sink or swim. 

I could stay closed-off from the culture, and avoid interacting if I so choose; in six months I can hop back on a plane and return to America, and use my pictures as memories.

Or, I can take my loneliness and turn it into an opportunity. Without having the comfort of my family, friends and home, I can grow. And focus on me. Without commitments to friends or family, with the strange inability to completely engage in casual conversations,  I have time for ME. M.E. 

So yes, my friend, I feel alone. But this does not scare me. I pray that my loneliness will give me the chance to find something in me worth living for, and happiness that is never ending.