Scarred- But Strengthened

"Losing a game is heartbreaking. Losing your sense of excellence or worth is a tragedy."

Joe Paterno

I was 6 years old when I told my Dad I wanted to go to Penn State. Almost two decades ago I made a decision that many high school seniors can’t even make. I can remember that day so vividly; we were driving around in his black Buick heading to the University Creamery on a crisp Fall afternoon. 

I remember gazing at the campus out of the backseat window, to what, at the time, seemed so foreign to me - college life. The campus was unlike anything I have ever seen - it's beauty and peacefulness seemed to calm the most dangerous of storms.

My Dad seemed to regard my abrupt decision as the wandering thoughts of a child, but 13 years later, there we were again, packing my bags, buying my books and shipping me off to The Pennsylvania State University. 

The Pennsylvania State University.

The honor, the pride, the respect I felt being a part of this tradition, this brotherhood- this family. And now, every morning I wake up hoping it is all a dream; hoping the institution I put my trust in, my complete support in, is not actually facing what could go down in history as the worst  sex-scandal of all. Not even sex-scandal, it’s not like Spanier was sleeping with a student, or Joe Pa had a mistress. We are talking about the brutal acts by one sick individual towards innocent and impressionable children; towards our future. 

The actions of one man, the sick, twisted and revolting actions of Jerry Sandusky and the inaction by a few others has led to a damaged reputation of  a cherished and forever-loved university. Penn State is acknowledged as one of the best universities in the world; not just for sports, or for education, but for our research; our humanitarian work, our dedication to improving the world. 

My children, my children’s children will never know the Penn State I used to know - will never understand the Happy Valley I cherished; for its enchantment, its beauty - the complete happiness I felt in my heart as I walked around in my Penn State gear - proud to be a Nittany Lion. 

My heart still belongs to Penn State, I would never turn my back on the place that gave me so many things in life; an education, hope, strength.... 

But what hurts, and I mean I actually feel a stabbing sensation inside - is the betrayal. When I think that for over 13 years, Sandusky was able to abuse children, and no one had the balls to do something about it, not former-DA Ray Gricar, not Tim Curley, not Graham Spanier, not the janitor, Jim Calhoun, not the Centre County police - no one, I get angry, real angry. When I think then-graduate assistant Mike McQueary actually watched Sandusky physically sodomize a young child, and then waited 48 hours to even discuss it with someone, I get mad - I get so mad I want to punch a wall. I’m half the size of McQueary, and if had witnessed something like that, I would have killed the perpetraitor myself. 

These cowards, for whatever reason (and I can’t wait for learn the reasons behind their silence), did nothing to stand up to something so cruel, so in-humane - so completely and utterly wrong. Any human being with any decency would know what choice to make in this decision, the choice is obvious - and the men many of us trusted to protect us, serve our community, and help Penn State grow, didn’t make this obvious choice.

My heart breaks when I think of Joe Paterno. A man who spent his life dedicated to Penn State, not just for football, but for the bettering of our university - 

“Success with honor.”  

He was one man I thought would go down in the history books as a man of success without making the mistakes so many of the great hereos of our time make. 

A clean slate, with no black marks against him.

Yet again, I was fooled.

In my heart, I refuse to believe Paterno had any intention to harm; someone known for having such a good soul, such a good track record, such a love for the Penn State Community for over 50 years would never intentionally try to cover up for Sandusky; I believe he made a mistake, a human-error (yes, Paterno is human despite contrary belief), and this error has cost him more than we could have predicted.

I always wondered how Paterno would end his career. I imagined he would die on the field, right in Beaver Stadium. 

But instead, the tables of destiny have turned, and a hand-delivered note to his home ended in the firing of a living legend.

He admits he should have done more, and trust me when I say, every Penn State alum, fan and supporter wishes the same thing.

Today is 11/11/11...and as I reflect back on all the things I’m thankful for, Penn State comes to mind; I’m grateful for my education, for my experiences, for the opportunities PSU afforded me. I’m blessed. But today, I will not only reflect on my blessings, I will take a moment a reflect on the victims. The real issue to this story.

Penn State will revive itself; the actions of a few men will tarnish us, but not destroy. However, their actions have forever affected the lives of the victims. The young boys whose childhood was stolen from them, their innocence taken and replaced with Nike shoes and football tickets all to compensate for the horrendous actions of, not a man, but a predator. Jerry Sandusky. A sick man who preyed on children, who took advantage of Penn State and our communal love for family.

As time goes on, the wounds will heal.  They always do.  I pray they heal the fastest for those most affected by this tragedy.The pain we all feel for the victims, our school, our Alma Mater will subside in time and I believe the betrayal will vanish as we watch justice being served.  We will fight the war ahead and we will come out stronger, better.

No matter what, we will remained scarred - we will never forget November 7, 2011. But the scars will heal - Penn State University is not one man, it is 700,000 alumni and we will continue to adhere to the tradition we hold close to our hearts “success with honor” . No man, and no man’s actions can ever take that away from us.

Because We Are Penn State.

You Make My Dreams Come True!

Shattered windows, screaming Italians, crying babies.

That’s the type of mayhem I caused in Rome last night as a 15-year-old dream of mine came true.

Howie D, of the Backstreet Boys, (BSB has been my absolute favorite music group for almost two decades), gave ME a live shout-out on the Morning Zoo in State College. Yesterday, my friends PJ and Kelly, and the rest of the Zoo Crew interviewed Howie, and to my complete and utter surprise, PJ told Howie who I was - and not only did he give me a shout out, but he spoke to me in ITALIAN.

Yes, this 23-year-old college grad had heart palpatations, red cheeks, and a giddy, uncontrollable laugh for an hour. Wait, who am I kidding - I’m still laughing uncontrollably!

While living in State College and attending Penn State, I had the opportunity to work and play at the number 1 radio station in Centre County: B94.5. At B94.5, we did it all: from our morning show, to internships, fundraisers, events - you name it, we were involved in it. One of the guilty pleasures of the job came in the wee-hours of the morning as we interviewed celebrities, athletes, and game-changers from all over the world; Hanson, Lauren Conrad, Russell Brand - the list goes on.

But one of the most beautiful things about the job was watching PJ and the rest of the crew help fulfill wishes, and dreams of the little kids and teens listening to our show. Whether it meant tickets to a concert, or a sporting event, or inviting them to come and be live on the air with us, PJ made it come true.

The look in these children’s faces said it all, and even though I’m no child, PJ definitely put one of those smile’s on my face!

I can die a happy girl - BSB knows my name! So thanks PJ and B94.5, you came through in the clutch, and made this little girl happy, even from 4500 miles away!

Check out the interview below (my part comes in around 5:00) and don’t forget to LIKE the Morning Zoo on Facebook!

La Bella Vita

Say Goodbye Summer

Life Doesn’t Give You The People You Want, It Gives You The People You Need: 

To Love You, To Hate You, To Break You 

& To Make You The Person You Were Meant To Be

Every year, as August fades into September, I ask myself, 

“Where did my Summer go?”

Those hot, endless days and warm nights under the stars seem to pass by as if on fast forward. 

This Summer was quite different from all my other Summers, and as I reflect back on the past three months, I can see it’s beauty, but I can feel how truly life-changing it really was.

Spending my second summer in Italy enabled me many opportunities. Not just to visit beaches and tour ancient ruins, but to grow. 

I’ve never felt so different; so much stronger and independent and wise as I do now. I don’t feel invincible like I did in college, but I feel durable.

Almost as if you could throw any situation my way, and I will somehow work through it.

I am in Italy.  Clearly I spent many nights with my friends, dancing in the sand, eating gelato and taking aperitivos. Those memories dance around in my head like perfect little ballerinas; they represent happiness, friendships, love, and peacefulness. Reflecting on those moments form a long-lasting smile on my face.

But there are moments that throw me into deep reflection; where I shake my head and wonder “What were you doing?” I mean, I got robbed twice in three weeks and had a date with a guy who tried to sleep with me in a park. Then there’s that feeling, that sting in my chest, where I question,“What went wrong?”  I lost a friend, someone very important to me who changed me. And that feeling is the hardest of all.

But, there are moments of accomplishment; I’m becoming profficient in a foreign language and at the same time, teaching another language to a little girl. These accomplishments fill me with pride and contentment. And once again, prove to me that I can do anything I set my mind too.

I was willing to dare when I moved to Rome on my own; and despite a few setbacks, some heartbreaks and a few moments of despair, because I was willing to dare, I can say I succeeded in the Summer of 2011.

Personally. Intellectually. Mentally. And emotionally.

I truly believe these people I experienced the good, the bad and the ugly with this Summer were brought into my life for a reason: to help me grow.

So yes, Giovanni may have treated me like scum, the robbers may have my money and two of my phones, and Mirto may have broken my heart, but Francesca and Vincenzo have given me a chance, Bea has grown to love me, Meggie has become my rock, and Sabrina has become my dear friend.

So after three months of ups and downs, happiness and tears, I can say that I have been broken, and rebuilt, but now I’m stronger, and changed, for the better.

I may be Unforgettable. 

But after this summer, I am stronger. 

I am Unshakable.

San Vito lo Capo - Sicilia

"You may have the universe if I may have Italy." --Giuseppe Verdi

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’ve been able to travel all over Italy; experience beautiful, enchanted cities, breathtakng beaches, climb mountains and explore Ancient Rome. But after spending a week on vacation with my Italian family in Sicily, at San Vito lo Capo, I can easily say no matter how much of Italy I have seen, it never ceases to amaze me! Our home was on the Mediterranean, I could walk down the steps, and be on the beach with two hops, one skip and a jump. Meggie and I drove through the mountains, down the coast where we visited Palermo and Capo d'Orlando. We swam in the warmest, and bluest of waters, and took in some amazing sunsets. 

I sometimes wonder if God spent extra time creating Italy and all of it's beauty...

La Bella Vita

“Happiness is like a butterfly. 

If we chase it, it will fly away, 
If we let it be, 

It will come to us.”

-Elena Brower

In Love With Scooters

“Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.”

-Captain Jack Sparrow

I often speak of the simple beauty of Rome. The magic that surrounds this city. With every step taken on a cobblestone road, and every ancient landmark passed on the way to work, the atmosphere is simply enchanting.

One of my deepest desires, and wishes has been to ride around Rome, touring the city on a motorbike. When I was in Reggio, all my friends and I dreamed of riding a vespa. It’s a fear of mine, but as they say... 

“When in Rome.”   

I love the idea of touring Rome in the open air, 
with the wind in my face (despite realizing I will have major helmet head). I never thought I would get the chance to ride on a scooter through Rome, but yesterday,
 I crossed this wish off my bucket list!

Making a bucket list helped me realize the importance of adventure. Of facing your fears and diving head first into a world of unknown things and territories.

Helen Keller said it best, that
“Life is either a great adventure or nothing”.

I choose a great adventure.

So in the city with horrible, horrible drivers, a lack of respect for the rules of the road,  little cars, angry Romans, and scooters flying in and out of every corner of the city, I chose to hop on the back of a motorbike and conquer a fear.

Safe? That is yet to be determined.

The bike looked a little something like this:

The driver looked similar to this:

I might have seen death flash before my eyes, but, it was all worth it.  A tour around ancient Rome on the back of a scooter driven my own personal Jack Sparrow, I'll take it. 
A simple beauty driving around Ancient Rome, a simple treasure I will cherish.

The Essence of Play

"The Essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets

 that we reluctantly shared with traffic." - Bill Cosby

A room full of toys; stuffed animals, barbies, coloring books. You name it, Bea has it all, somewhere. Toys and gizmos that would most definitely keep a child happy and occupied without a care in the world for days and days.

But I’ve come to realize it’s not the number of toys she has, it’s her imagination that is important. A gift from God that we must never lose - no matter how old and “responsible” we become.

Yesterday, after lunch, I sat at the kitchen table with Bea and watched her create Il Lago di Pasta, or, Lake Pasta. A simple kitchen bowl filled with Winnie the Pooh pasta, water, and Hello Kitty toys. 

Sounds simplistic, as it was, but as I watched her intently, I could almost see the gears in her head turning; she was developing a masterpiece and her imagination was taking her to far off places.  

For a good hour Bea’s creativity soared through the roof and I couldn’t help but smile. The energy surrounding her and her happiness at the simplest task was contagious.

It was then I realized the utmost importance of play. I recall craving long, hot summer afternoons at “Castle Park” with my mom and brother, or running my “Wolf Den” restaurant in the basement of my house. I could be anyone and anything I wanted to be, with a few toys and my imagination, I ran the world and 

accomplished all my dreams.

Through play and imagination we develop our sense of self - what we want to be when we “grow-up”.

If we can make our imaginations become realities at the age of 4, why now, when we are older, can’t we do the same?

I believe we can.

By watching Bea I realize I can let my imagination soar and I can accomplish anything I want. 

A little imagination, a pinch of creativity, and a towel to clean up the mess and we all can find our joys, even if they are as simple as Lake Pasta.

The Simple Joy of A Child

“If you carry your childhood with you, 

you never become older.” 

Tom Stoppard, Brittish Playwright 1937

I was blessed as a child to have a loving family dedicated to bringing me joy and happiness every day. My childhood was filled with many memories of happy, joyous days; trips to the park and to my grandma’s house, Disney shows on ice, weekends in Pittsburgh, Christmas celebrations, birthday parties...the list goes on. 

Even as I grew older, my brother and I knew we could always count of our parents to support us and to this day, they continue to give us the world. 

Childhood is a precious time in every life, and I’m beginning to realize that even more as I interact with a young child every day. I see the happiness the simplest things bring her; like a coloring book, or freshly-picked flowers from the side of the road.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all have the joy a young child feels day in and day out? As I watch Bea play, and tell stories to her parents, I’m immediately filled with happiness just seeing her smile.

This morning, I had Bea all too myself as her mom is in Texas and her dad had to fly to Milan this morning. Since she is so young, I know the sadness she feels when she wakes up and neither of her parents are here to greet her, but with patience and warm milk, her sadness evaporates to happiness (eventually).

As people grow older, and responsibilities mount - schedules to maintain, work to complete, bills to pay, many find it increasingly difficult to maintain a positive and optimistic outlook. For me, a warm and happy personality suits me, but I worry that as I get older, I will fall into the same routines that many people I know have fallen into - and their happiness is sacrificed for these ‘routines’.

This thought scares me. I never want to lose the joy I feel in my heart every morning when I wake up (even if I’m crabby and need 3 coffees to get my brain firing). I never want to lose the sparkle in my eyes, the same sparkle I see in Bea, or the carefree smile that overcomes me when my heart is about to burst.

I think it is important to interact with children, and see the simple joy of their happiness. It helps me realize that no matter what stresses we feel, or insecurities we have, if we take a few minutes everyday to enjoy life like a 4-year-old, we would have much more joy and innocence in our lives.

So that is what I strive for, and will continue to strive for - I want to carry the happiness I felt as I child, and am reminded of when I watch Bea, every where I go. And I think you should do the same! Stop and pick some wild flowers, or spend a day coloring - I promise your heart will thank you!