Scarred- But Strengthened

"Losing a game is heartbreaking. Losing your sense of excellence or worth is a tragedy."

Joe Paterno

I was 6 years old when I told my Dad I wanted to go to Penn State. Almost two decades ago I made a decision that many high school seniors can’t even make. I can remember that day so vividly; we were driving around in his black Buick heading to the University Creamery on a crisp Fall afternoon. 

I remember gazing at the campus out of the backseat window, to what, at the time, seemed so foreign to me - college life. The campus was unlike anything I have ever seen - it's beauty and peacefulness seemed to calm the most dangerous of storms.

My Dad seemed to regard my abrupt decision as the wandering thoughts of a child, but 13 years later, there we were again, packing my bags, buying my books and shipping me off to The Pennsylvania State University. 

The Pennsylvania State University.

The honor, the pride, the respect I felt being a part of this tradition, this brotherhood- this family. And now, every morning I wake up hoping it is all a dream; hoping the institution I put my trust in, my complete support in, is not actually facing what could go down in history as the worst  sex-scandal of all. Not even sex-scandal, it’s not like Spanier was sleeping with a student, or Joe Pa had a mistress. We are talking about the brutal acts by one sick individual towards innocent and impressionable children; towards our future. 

The actions of one man, the sick, twisted and revolting actions of Jerry Sandusky and the inaction by a few others has led to a damaged reputation of  a cherished and forever-loved university. Penn State is acknowledged as one of the best universities in the world; not just for sports, or for education, but for our research; our humanitarian work, our dedication to improving the world. 

My children, my children’s children will never know the Penn State I used to know - will never understand the Happy Valley I cherished; for its enchantment, its beauty - the complete happiness I felt in my heart as I walked around in my Penn State gear - proud to be a Nittany Lion. 

My heart still belongs to Penn State, I would never turn my back on the place that gave me so many things in life; an education, hope, strength.... 

But what hurts, and I mean I actually feel a stabbing sensation inside - is the betrayal. When I think that for over 13 years, Sandusky was able to abuse children, and no one had the balls to do something about it, not former-DA Ray Gricar, not Tim Curley, not Graham Spanier, not the janitor, Jim Calhoun, not the Centre County police - no one, I get angry, real angry. When I think then-graduate assistant Mike McQueary actually watched Sandusky physically sodomize a young child, and then waited 48 hours to even discuss it with someone, I get mad - I get so mad I want to punch a wall. I’m half the size of McQueary, and if had witnessed something like that, I would have killed the perpetraitor myself. 

These cowards, for whatever reason (and I can’t wait for learn the reasons behind their silence), did nothing to stand up to something so cruel, so in-humane - so completely and utterly wrong. Any human being with any decency would know what choice to make in this decision, the choice is obvious - and the men many of us trusted to protect us, serve our community, and help Penn State grow, didn’t make this obvious choice.

My heart breaks when I think of Joe Paterno. A man who spent his life dedicated to Penn State, not just for football, but for the bettering of our university - 

“Success with honor.”  

He was one man I thought would go down in the history books as a man of success without making the mistakes so many of the great hereos of our time make. 

A clean slate, with no black marks against him.

Yet again, I was fooled.

In my heart, I refuse to believe Paterno had any intention to harm; someone known for having such a good soul, such a good track record, such a love for the Penn State Community for over 50 years would never intentionally try to cover up for Sandusky; I believe he made a mistake, a human-error (yes, Paterno is human despite contrary belief), and this error has cost him more than we could have predicted.

I always wondered how Paterno would end his career. I imagined he would die on the field, right in Beaver Stadium. 

But instead, the tables of destiny have turned, and a hand-delivered note to his home ended in the firing of a living legend.

He admits he should have done more, and trust me when I say, every Penn State alum, fan and supporter wishes the same thing.

Today is 11/11/11...and as I reflect back on all the things I’m thankful for, Penn State comes to mind; I’m grateful for my education, for my experiences, for the opportunities PSU afforded me. I’m blessed. But today, I will not only reflect on my blessings, I will take a moment a reflect on the victims. The real issue to this story.

Penn State will revive itself; the actions of a few men will tarnish us, but not destroy. However, their actions have forever affected the lives of the victims. The young boys whose childhood was stolen from them, their innocence taken and replaced with Nike shoes and football tickets all to compensate for the horrendous actions of, not a man, but a predator. Jerry Sandusky. A sick man who preyed on children, who took advantage of Penn State and our communal love for family.

As time goes on, the wounds will heal.  They always do.  I pray they heal the fastest for those most affected by this tragedy.The pain we all feel for the victims, our school, our Alma Mater will subside in time and I believe the betrayal will vanish as we watch justice being served.  We will fight the war ahead and we will come out stronger, better.

No matter what, we will remained scarred - we will never forget November 7, 2011. But the scars will heal - Penn State University is not one man, it is 700,000 alumni and we will continue to adhere to the tradition we hold close to our hearts “success with honor” . No man, and no man’s actions can ever take that away from us.

Because We Are Penn State.