A Long, Hard Week...And It's Only Monday

I’m exhausted. And It’s only Monday. 

My head is spinning and I can’t wait for sleep tonight. That’s sad, considering it’s only 10:05. 

Today was a rough day with Bea. After school, I could immediately tell something was wrong; she wasn’t smiling, she wasn’t happy...and somehow I felt this was my fault?

Patience. Just be patient. 

I tried telling myself this over and over today, but I couldn’t for long; she wouldn’t listen, she wouldn’t eat, and she was not her typical self. 

Finally, I had enough. 

I turned off our songs, cleared the table, told her she wasn’t allowed milk and biscotti (a tradition of ours) and let her sit by herself without paying any attention to her.

I felt horrible inside!

I’ve never had to be stern with her before, but today I had too show her that I wasn’t a pushover and that she couldn’t get away with misbehaving (not that she was). 

I could see in her eyes that she knew she was not behaving like herself, and that she was hurting my feelings by her behavior. 

She is intelligent; smart, clever, and I appreciate this about her. I think it makes it easier to communicate with her, since she is observant and smart. But still, I wanted to scream.

But I didn't know what was wrong!

What was I doing?

After different attempts, I realized to get her to play and be herself, I needed to play; I put on our music, started coloring and she would peek her head in the kitchen to see what I was doing. I asked her to help me, and she did.

Thank god...

We played, ate strawberries and milk, and we sang.

The day got better, but I am drained.

This is a terribly difficult situation. I want nothing more than to have fun with Bea, but I need her to realize this is not a game and that I am serious.

Confession:

I never realized how difficult it was to watch children (let alone raise them). I can now understand what it’s like to be a mom, but the scary thing is, I don’t know if I could ever see myself being a mom...at least a good enough one.

How would I ever have the patience?

Props to my mom; for her patience, constant love, understanding and discipline.

I guess I can only hope my efforts help Bea grow and learn, and that she loves me just the same; no matter if I turn our songs off or not